Twenty First Entry
February 25, 2018
Does Nothing Change?
I have pondered why the passing of a being so precious to me seems to have no affect on the world around me. I must, therefore, wonder will it be the same after I have passed? Of course it will.
The sun has risen and it is a gorgeous day.
My furry family members still need to be fed, their needs seen to.
There are weeds to be pulled and a yard and flowers that must be watered.
I’ve got bills to pay and errands to run.
On television, the newscasters are smiling whether they deliver celebratory or dire news.
I go outside and birds are singing their lighthearted tunes.
Streetlights are blinking on and off, traffic stops, then moves onward.
While out running errands, I espy folks laughing, smiling, caught up in lively conversation.
People everywhere are conducting their everyday ordinary chores, unaware that a soul very remarkable to me has passed away.
The world spins from dawn to dusk and into darkness, apparently allowing nothing to mark the passage of this exceptional being who was part of my life.
Witnessing all of this leaves me feeling woebegone, small, insignificant; because I know that is how it shall be upon my passage from earth to the hereafter.
This is how it must seem for nearly every creature who has dwelt on earth and arrived at death’s passageway to the afterlife.
But just as a spider will surely feel the slightest breath of air on a strand of its web; the Creator will perceive the merest touch of that single soul upon a filament of the universal tapestry. And the reverberation of that touch changes the cosmos. That contact will be noticed and its affect felt. And who knows how we might continue to weave our attendance into the canvas of creation after we have passed from our worldly existence.
So, does the passing of a soul, a precious being, have no affect on the world? Perhaps not to our immediate awareness, but the touch of its existence is transformative to the latticework of the universe. And, every act a person has accomplished that has touched the soul of another, will gleam and be treasured by the recipient.
So, in theory, a being may leave behind pieces of their self, like glittering crushed diamonds tossed out over many beneficiaries. And every being, human or animal, who valued the shining shards of what you left them, will be like a lantern, lit by the deed you performed that changed their life. And the glowing lanterns of your past presence will cast a light on everyone in their vicinity, chasing away shadows, warming their spirits.
So, does nothing change?
No, you have added to the structure of our Lord’s creation. You have made a change…
Entry Twenty Two
February 27, 2018
Hurrah! I finally got my chest drained this evening! They took out almost twice as much fluid as they did the first time they drained my chest – and this time it was a relatively painless procedure – after I explained to the physician how it had hurt last time he performed the draining. YAY!
I was fortunate enough to have the same doctor and the same male nurse assist with the procedure. Both are angels – turning a loathsome necessity into a less stressful, less repellent event. Thank you both!
I feel much better, as I can breathe easily, move about without becoming breathless, talk without having to gasp for breath, several times, throughout a sentence. And I can sleep a lot easier, as I don’t have to struggle to find a position that allows me to breathe more comfortably. In addition, I don’t feel like I’m confounded with a chest that feels solid, heavy and immovable.
Okay, that aside…
I just ran across this article and fell in love with the idea of Niksen. It is remarkably close to one of the fruitful methods I use to alleviate stress. Rather than copy the entire article here, I’ll leave a link. Look for Niksen in the article. I hope you find it as valuable as I did!
Introducing: “niksen,” a philosophy of nothingness.
The New Dutch Trend That’s Better Than “Hygge”
Twenty Third Entry
February 28, 2018
“If you bond to the heart of a Golden, you release the magic held in a Golden’s heart.” –kap
“Dogs are aware that they cannot always outlive their human companion, and they begin to secretly grieve for their companion; it becomes a small sadness they carry with them always. It is why they give so freely of themselves while they may.” –kap
Twenty Fourth Entry
February 28, 2018
Riding the roller coaster of mental and emotional ups and downs keeps me busy trying to stay positive. I find writing about it in my blog helps, but I also realize that some of my reality is genuinely dark, so I endeavor to also infuse uplifting and positive contributions. I want to offer hope and peace as well as acknowledging the woeful realities of the diagnosis. There must be a balance in my what I share here, as there must be a balance in my life, as well.
Sharing my Haiku – offers an inroad to express a fount of poignant emotions and mental battles. For me, Haiku allows me to convey a bevy of thoughts in a spare offering of words – So much in so little; beauty in brevity. I feel it is an aesthetic vehicle, for expressing all aspects of human nature and the world around us. Not everyone will “get” it or even enjoy it, and that is absolutely fine. Others may ponder the words for a length of time, seemingly, longer than would be imagined for that number of words – and then, wham, they will “get” it. Like a puzzle gift!
Painting pictures with words. Enjoy if, it connects with you…
In each darkened tear
Within the watery veil
Ghosts with tales to tell
Shadows ‘neath the tree
Swirling, dancing, silently
Music of the sun
Twenty Fifth Entry
Thanks to Bob & Sheila for the title of this piece.
March 9, 2018
I had a fitful night of sleep, or lack thereof. I’m having a hard time escaping from what is going on with my body and how that affects my mind, my emotions – my peace. I am also finding it so rough to accept what is going on in my body, my mind, and my emotions. It has been approximately one and a half months since I received my diagnosis. Not a long time ago, that I heard I have metastatic cancer.
Question – How long does it take for a person to accept such a thing? Can you ever accept it? How long before you can find peace? How long for all of this, for me? It seems insurmountable. It is not always like this; but when it is… It. Feels. Like. It. Is. — Always. Like. This. What a seesaw ride this is!
And there are so many lonely times – more often, than not. Spending time with friends and family is a balm, but they have their lives, just as I have mine. So being alone is something I must accept – can’t escape from it, no matter how much I may wish to.
I received an email from my oncologist yesterday, telling me that I will be getting a call to schedule my next PET Scan. Can’t say I’m thrilled about that, as it requires a rigid, restrictive diet the day before. The radioactive material they inject in my vein seems counterproductive to the cancer in my body. And then there are the results of the PET Scan that can either be encouraging, or not. And, it serves as another reminder of what is going on in my body, that I can’t escape from.
I went in this week for my monthly blood tests. I received the results and they were not far different than the month before – good news to me.
Thank goodness for my furry family members! For good books! For chores and errands that must be done and occupy my mind and body! Thankful for musical instruments that provide an escape and a challenge and plain ole fun! Thanks for the beauty of nature, the wonder of the imagination, the magic of the human spirit, and all the blessings of Heaven. Thank goodness for being able to express what is going on with me here… Thank goodness for God!
I fervently hope this blog is being read by others and that they find something here that is beneficial to them. Whether they have cancer or they have a loved one with cancer. Perhaps, even someone in the medical field, the social welfare field, or some other professional field may find something here they can share with their patients or clients. And lastly, I hope someone who knows me, is reading this, as I think it will help them to understand a bit of who I am and what a person with cancer is living with.
If, however, my family and closest friends are thinking, “I will read it after she is gone. I haven’t the time, desire, or strength of mind to read it now. But after… I should have all the time in the world, to read it and process it.” But, that won’t be the case, because when all the time in the world, for me, is gone, so shall be my blogs, my social media sites; FaceBook, Twitter, InstaGram, etc. After I am gone, the time for any of this mattering will be gone, too.
God can speak to us when we least expect it – surprise us with a gift of immeasurable worth; a joyous blessing – and He did just that, as soon as I had finished with this entry, I got a phone call from Ranee, and we spoke of many things, but we also talked about what I had written in this latest entry. Her words cheered my soul and fed my mind with encouragement, support, and the kind of answers that we often cannot see, when looking from the inside – out. Thank you, Ranee, for brightening my day. Thank you, for your gift that was truly a godsend! (Ranee – I ordered the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl – Click here to order this great book – to read on my Kindle.) 🙂
4 thoughts on “Fifth Page”
Finally had quiet time to read your wonderful posts. Your eloquent expression of all the emotions involved in living simply astound us!!! And we think you would have made it BIG in the advertising world, as your tribute to us was quite overwhelming!!! It means more that we can say, that you found a measure of peace here within our walls.
Life is an amazingly beautiful and frightening adventure. Every new step in life can be terrifying, as the doors to each new phase are very solid and all locked until it is time to step through them. Children seem to sense this better than we do, for although they are terrified of the first day of school, or the first ride on a bicycle without training wheels, they are quick to pick up on the ADVENTURE. I remember being absolutely terrified of being an adult, as I watched what adults had to do each day and cringed.
My own Aunt had a “near death” experience, and she shared with me her astounding details. She was never afraid of death, or of absolutely anything, after that!! One remark I will share with you – she said everything on the other side of the “veil” seemed more real than anything she had experienced in this life. The colors were brighter, and her thoughts clearer than they had ever been while in her physical body.
People have asked my how we can keep a positive attitude while working around so much sorrow. It is so true that there are some unbearably sad life experiences which no one should have to endure. We feel honored to meet the souls connected to those stories. In William Wadsworth Longfellow’s “Ode – Intimations of Immortality” he talks about life and loss (He had lost his ) he states in the latter half of the poem:
“Our birth is but a sleep and a forgetting:
The Soul that rises with us, our life’s Star,
Hath had elsewhere its setting,
And cometh from afar;
Not in entire forgetfulness,
And not in utter nakedness,
But trailing clouds of glory do we come
From God, who is our home:
Heaven lies about us in our infancy!”
Longfellow was devastated after the death of his wife Mary from a miscarriage. He and his second wife Fanny faced sorrow at the illnesses and subsequent loss of two of his six children in infancy. Later he grieved the death of his wife Fanny from a house fire (he himself suffered terrible burns on his face trying to put our the flames on her dress.). Much of his writing reflects his pondering of the meaning of life and the pain and suffering of loss.
I find in your writing, Kathy, the same beautiful uplifted joy, as wells as the deep sorrows of despair brought on by illness and side effects of medical science fighting for your life.
We love your blog and your gift of eloquence.
Please don’t ever stop writing!! We are honored to serve you – hopefully not for another 50 years!!! I would like you to join the ranks of the list of women I have, who died in their 80’s and 90’s, who were cancer survivors from their 50’s and 60’s!!!
Now that you have made and paid for your funeral arrangements…you can FORGET about dying and go about LIVING and blessing the lives of those suffering! We are honored to have met you!
Ranee, Michelle and Joseph
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Kathy, We think about and pray for you every day. Your writing is so wonderful it draws all kind of pictures in the mind. Keep smiling and don’t ever quit !!!
I just love the photo of bonding your heart to a Golden and I am going to share that photo on Facebook.
I get daily devotions and one I received last week I saved as I wanted to share it with you.
I hope it comforts you as much as it did me.
The LORD replied, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Exodus 33:14
The Hebrew word for peace is shalom. And apart from God it will always remain a pipe dream, a philosophical fantasy, or a tantalizing fish that is just beyond your bait and hook. Marriages go awry and fall apart because we look to an imperfect mate to give us the perfect peace we’re searching for, and we discover they can’t. The story’s told of a woman at a cocktail party who was trying her best to look happy. Noticing the gigantic sparkling rock on her finger, a guest exclaimed, ‘Wow! What a beautiful stone!’ She replied, ‘Thank you. It’s the Callahan diamond.’ The onlooker said, ‘I wish I had one!’ The woman replied, ‘No, you don’t.’ ‘Why not?’ he asked. ‘Because it comes with the Callahan curse,’ she replied. ‘The Callahan curse – what’s that?’ asked the questioner. She sighed and said, ‘Mr Callahan!’ Perfect peace can only come from a perfect peace-giver, and the only one who meets that qualification is God. Peace isn’t the absence of problems; it’s the presence of God in the midst of your problems. What’s more, nobody ever finds peace by looking for it. Peace isn’t something you find; it finds you when you surrender your life to the One who said, ‘My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.’ Note the words ‘My Presence’. Only God’s presence can bring peace. The assurance of God’s love, God’s help, and God’s presence is what takes the stress out of living. Are you longing for peace today? When you surrender your life to Christ, you’ll ‘experience…peace…far more wonderful than the human mind can understand’ (Philippians 4:7).
Heavenly Father, keep me from looking for peace in all the wrong places – when all I have to do is look to You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen
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You will never know how I needed that today! Thank you so much! Love you both…
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