Twenty First Entry
February 25, 2018
Does Nothing Change?
I have pondered why the passing of a being so precious to me seems to have no affect on the world around me. I must, therefore, wonder will it be the same after I have passed? Of course it will.
The sun has risen and it is a gorgeous day.
My furry family members still need to be fed, their needs seen to.
There are weeds to be pulled and a yard and flowers that must be watered.
I’ve got bills to pay and errands to run.
On television, the newscasters are smiling whether they deliver celebratory or dire news.
I go outside and birds are singing their lighthearted tunes.
Streetlights are blinking on and off, traffic stops, then moves onward.
While out running errands, I espy folks laughing, smiling, caught up in lively conversation.
People everywhere are conducting their everyday ordinary chores, unaware that a soul very remarkable to me has passed away.
The world spins from dawn to dusk and into darkness, apparently allowing nothing to mark the passage of this exceptional being who was part of my life.
Witnessing all of this leaves me feeling woebegone, small, insignificant; because I know that is how it shall be upon my passage from earth to the hereafter.
This is how it must seem for nearly every creature who has dwelt on earth and arrived at death’s passageway to the afterlife.
But just as a spider will surely feel the slightest breath of air on a strand of its web; the Creator will perceive the merest touch of that single soul upon a filament of the universal tapestry. And the reverberation of that touch changes the cosmos. That contact will be noticed and its affect felt. And who knows how we might continue to weave our attendance into the canvas of creation after we have passed from our worldly existence.
So, does the passing of a soul, a precious being, have no affect on the world? Perhaps not to our immediate awareness, but the touch of its existence is transformative to the latticework of the universe. And, every act a person has accomplished that has touched the soul of another, will gleam and be treasured by the recipient.
So, in theory, a being may leave behind pieces of their self, like glittering crushed diamonds tossed out over many beneficiaries. And every being, human or animal, who valued the shining shards of what you left them, will be like a lantern, lit by the deed you performed that changed their life. And the glowing lanterns of your past presence will cast a light on everyone in their vicinity, chasing away shadows, warming their spirits.
So, does nothing change?
No, you have added to the structure of our Lord’s creation. You have made a change…
Entry Twenty Two
February 27, 2018
Hurrah! I finally got my chest drained this evening! They took out almost twice as much fluid as they did the first time they drained my chest – and this time it was a relatively painless procedure – after I explained to the physician how it had hurt last time he performed the draining. YAY!
I was fortunate enough to have the same doctor and the same male nurse assist with the procedure. Both are angels – turning a loathsome necessity into a less stressful, less repellent event. Thank you both!
I feel much better, as I can breathe easily, move about without becoming breathless, talk without having to gasp for breath, several times, throughout a sentence. And I can sleep a lot easier, as I don’t have to struggle to find a position that allows me to breathe more comfortably. In addition, I don’t feel like I’m confounded with a chest that feels solid, heavy and immovable.
Okay, that aside…
I just ran across this article and fell in love with the idea of Niksen. It is remarkably close to one of the fruitful methods I use to alleviate stress. Rather than copy the entire article here, I’ll leave a link. Look for Niksen in the article. I hope you find it as valuable as I did!
Introducing: “niksen,” a philosophy of nothingness.
The New Dutch Trend That’s Better Than “Hygge”
Twenty Third Entry
February 28, 2018
“If you bond to the heart of a Golden, you release the magic held in a Golden’s heart.” –kap
“Dogs are aware that they cannot always outlive their human companion, and they begin to secretly grieve for their companion; it becomes a small sadness they carry with them always. It is why they give so freely of themselves while they may.” –kap
Twenty Fourth Entry
February 28, 2018
Riding the roller coaster of mental and emotional ups and downs keeps me busy trying to stay positive. I find writing about it in my blog helps, but I also realize that some of my reality is genuinely dark, so I endeavor to also infuse uplifting and positive contributions. I want to offer hope and peace as well as acknowledging the woeful realities of the diagnosis. There must be a balance in my what I share here, as there must be a balance in my life, as well.
Sharing my Haiku – offers an inroad to express a fount of poignant emotions and mental battles. For me, Haiku allows me to convey a bevy of thoughts in a spare offering of words – So much in so little; beauty in brevity. I feel it is an aesthetic vehicle, for expressing all aspects of human nature and the world around us. Not everyone will “get” it or even enjoy it, and that is absolutely fine. Others may ponder the words for a length of time, seemingly, longer than would be imagined for that number of words – and then, wham, they will “get” it. Like a puzzle gift!
Painting pictures with words. Enjoy if, it connects with you…
In each darkened tear
Within the watery veil
Ghosts with tales to tell
Shadows ‘neath the tree
Swirling, dancing, silently
Music of the sun
Twenty Fifth Entry
Thanks to Bob & Sheila for the title of this piece.
March 9, 2018
I had a fitful night of sleep, or lack thereof. I’m having a hard time escaping from what is going on with my body and how that affects my mind, my emotions – my peace. I am also finding it so rough to accept what is going on in my body, my mind, and my emotions. It has been approximately one and a half months since I received my diagnosis. Not a long time ago, that I heard I have metastatic cancer.
Question – How long does it take for a person to accept such a thing? Can you ever accept it? How long before you can find peace? How long for all of this, for me? It seems insurmountable. It is not always like this; but when it is… It. Feels. Like. It. Is. — Always. Like. This. What a seesaw ride this is!
And there are so many lonely times – more often, than not. Spending time with friends and family is a balm, but they have their lives, just as I have mine. So being alone is something I must accept – can’t escape from it, no matter how much I may wish to.
I received an email from my oncologist yesterday, telling me that I will be getting a call to schedule my next PET Scan. Can’t say I’m thrilled about that, as it requires a rigid, restrictive diet the day before. The radioactive material they inject in my vein seems counterproductive to the cancer in my body. And then there are the results of the PET Scan that can either be encouraging, or not. And, it serves as another reminder of what is going on in my body, that I can’t escape from.
I went in this week for my monthly blood tests. I received the results and they were not far different than the month before – good news to me.
Thank goodness for my furry family members! For good books! For chores and errands that must be done and occupy my mind and body! Thankful for musical instruments that provide an escape and a challenge and plain ole fun! Thanks for the beauty of nature, the wonder of the imagination, the magic of the human spirit, and all the blessings of Heaven. Thank goodness for being able to express what is going on with me here… Thank goodness for God!
I fervently hope this blog is being read by others and that they find something here that is beneficial to them. Whether they have cancer or they have a loved one with cancer. Perhaps, even someone in the medical field, the social welfare field, or some other professional field may find something here they can share with their patients or clients. And lastly, I hope someone who knows me, is reading this, as I think it will help them to understand a bit of who I am and what a person with cancer is living with.
If, however, my family and closest friends are thinking, “I will read it after she is gone. I haven’t the time, desire, or strength of mind to read it now. But after… I should have all the time in the world, to read it and process it.” But, that won’t be the case, because when all the time in the world, for me, is gone, so shall be my blogs, my social media sites; FaceBook, Twitter, InstaGram, etc. After I am gone, the time for any of this mattering will be gone, too.
God can speak to us when we least expect it – surprise us with a gift of immeasurable worth; a joyous blessing – and He did just that, as soon as I had finished with this entry, I got a phone call from Ranee, and we spoke of many things, but we also talked about what I had written in this latest entry. Her words cheered my soul and fed my mind with encouragement, support, and the kind of answers that we often cannot see, when looking from the inside – out. Thank you, Ranee, for brightening my day. Thank you, for your gift that was truly a godsend! (Ranee – I ordered the book, Man’s Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl – Click here to order this great book – to read on my Kindle.) 🙂